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Little down this morning December 16, 2005

Posted by godisnotlarry in Uncategorized.
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Been a rough day, we had our earnings announcement last night. Melanie told me that I looked really tired and old when I got home, she said I looked like I was 50… I know, I know, I really need to get my botox doses increased.

I just don’t know what these Wall St. types want out of us, honest to god. You would think that beating Microsoft in desktop software would be enough, but not for Wall St. I tell you. You would think that rocketing to the top of the business applications market would be enough, but it’s not. Our web browser software was a phenomenal success, and our gaming offerings are capturing huge market share in the 13-28 market for first person shooters, and I’m not even going to go into the blowout success we are having in mobile phone ringtones. How many markets do I need to conquer? How many titans of industry do I need to take down? Women love me, men want to be me, I’m the Master of Disaster, the world heavyweight champion of the world Apollo Creed… whatever, you get the picture.

Who am I? What am I doing here? If the adoration of millions, even billions, isn’t enough to satisfy a bunch of stupid Wall Street analysts, then what is it going to take I ask you! Do they realize how much frickin money they are costing me by keeping our stock price down! With the SEC breathing down my neck on that insider trading settlement I can’t sell a single stick of stock without having it questioned.

Fan Mail December 13, 2005

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Hello Internet,
I have some new fans write to me recently and I wanted to respond to them but at the same time I did not want to deprive the rest of you of my pithy and humorous responses:

To “Ray” who commented in my post about Amazon’s book circles thingy:

Thanks Ray… what a coincidence, I used to have a guy work for me named Ray, are you related?

I’ve really been working on my sense of humor, ever since wife #2 told me that I needed to smile more often. I told her “what don’t I have to smile about, I’m rich, handsome, and all men want to be like me!”. Did I also tell mention that I have a 147 foot yacht (a couple really)?

I have been working some jokes into my memoir, but I can’t leak them here because by the time the multi-volume set came out the jokes would be old. What I can say is that the jokes involve household pets that talk, and children with funny names doing bizarre things.

I also received an email from a young lady, well I am assuming she is a young lady… actually I am assuming it is from a female, that was flattering, I am withholding her name to save her from unwanted publicity that almost always comes to woman who fawn over me:

Dear Larry (God):

You have inspired me to write you and tell that you I have fallen hopelessly, head over heels in love with you just by reading your wonderful writing. I am your secret admirer and maybe we should meet for a secret rendezvous. I promise I can keep a secret. How much undying devotion and love can you have for a fourth wife anyhow? Your posts are self-absorbed and condescending, but I can forgive you of these things because you clearly have a lot of money….and I like that in a man.

P.S. I have never heard of Oracle before now. How exciting it must be for you to work for a psychic hotline! When did you first realize you had the gift???

First of all, it’s simply out of the question that I could ever be with another woman other than Melanie, but I’m keeping this email in the “save” folder just in case. The thing that is troubling about this particular fan mail is that she doesn’t seem to know who Oracle is, but does know that I have “the gift”. I’m just not sure what “gift” she is referring to.

Oracle employees adore me December 9, 2005

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At Oracle we have worked diligently over the years to build a culture that respects teamwork as well as individual achievement, develops employees to their full potential, and to create the kind of family environment that we can all be proud of (my wife and 3 ex-wives all say the same thing). Take me for example, I’m probably one of the most forgiving father-type figures in the company and when I look in the mirror I see a gentle magnanimous soul who tends the flock that is my company. It gives me shivers just thinking about it.

As evidence of the fact that my employees look up to me and worship me with a devotion that I dare say is almost divine, look no further than Amazon’s Purchase Circles which shows what book companies are buying. When Bezos (I always giggle when I say his name) called me to tell me about this I immediately checked it out, well actually I called one of my assistants and had them do it. As you will see by looking at Oracle’s purchase circle, the top 2 books being purchased by Oracle employees are biographies of their fearless leader.

I am touched, some things really are priceless (although not much really).

McNealy and Me, a couple of betting fools December 1, 2005

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We recently selected Sun’s Solaris platform as our primary development platform, replacing Linux. I thought I would provide you, the Internet, with the real story behind this switch.

Contrary to a lot of commentary, this had nothing to do with technical features or alliances or anything else. What really happened is that McNealy and his wife were over at the otaku about 6 months ago and we had quite a few bottles of really really really expensive wine (although it’s probably no surprise that Scott doesn’t drink much wine, he a Coor’s Light guy… in the bottle no less). Scott’s a big time hockey fan and it was really killing him that the NHL was still out on strike, so I started trash talking him about how much hockey sucks and that he should come in with me to buy the 49’ers.

Long story short, we bet that the Sharks will still be out on strike come this season. If they are, McNealy has to wear that Shark mascot costume to the office for an entire day and go to the cafeteria, and if the strike is over I have to adopt Solaris. Personally, I think he got the better half of the bet but it’s between friends so big whoop. In retrospect, I should have bet him that I would sneak up behind Schwartz and cut off that damn pony tail.

I Love Exercise November 27, 2005

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I love exercise (almost as much as Viagra!) because it makes me feel so young and alive. My personal trainer, Pam, has invented an entire regimen of exercises for me to do in my everyday life, I thought I’d go ahead and share them with you.

My personal favorite is these little pelvic crunches that I do throughout the day. When I have the urge to pee I just hold it in really tight for 30 seconds and let me tell you it’s quite a burn, I can feel my 6 pack abs firming up everytime. Another good exercise is to use your opposite hand for things. For example, if you are right handed you should try to use your left hand to pull yourself up the stairs to your jet.

I have a rather large watch, it’s really just a little trinket that I used to wear only when I flew my Marchetti but I have since grown attached to it (well not really but sounding sentimental helps my image,) that I wear on my opposite arm now because every time I lift my arm I work out those muscles. It’s really these little things that keep me in such good shape and make me look a hell of a lot younger than my 47 years would suggest.

Another good exercise is simply walking around your estate with your dogs (I have 3 dogs, Siebel, Duffy, and Bear, who used to belong to Conway.) I have 54 acres in Woodside and I had walking trails built throughout the property, and a nice girl named Kelly who rides around in a golf cart with beverages and warm towels. There is really no substitute for the simple things in life.

I am so committed to exercise that I had a personal gym built into my offices in HQ even though we have a great gym on premises for our employees. I don’t know but the thought of interacting with “them” just leaves me a little squimish. I thought about letting Chuck use my stuff but he likes to sing out cadence (and it’s always about some woman named Jody, it’s really baffling) when he works out and that’s just too damn distracting.

I had special equipment for my gym flown in from Japan, along with a team of technicians to maintain it. The tech crew is currently residing in a dormitory in HQ and we have made sushi a permanent menu item in the cafeteria, as opposed to a Tuesday and Thursday special item.

Where in the World is Larry November 25, 2005

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Hello Internet,
I wanted to take a moment to explain my absence from my blog the last couple of weeks. I’ve been off on one of my fabulous adventures and was basically enjoying life far too much to take the time to update you. I am quite sure you understand.
This blogging can really be a time suck and I’m just far too busy to do it on a regular basis. Sorry, just being honest. Did I tell you that I was the first person to use that term, btw? It’s true, about this time last year Wookey was asking me about online diaries called web blogs and I said “somebody should just call ‘em blogs.” It’s true, I invented the term blogs.

Charitable Giving November 25, 2005

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I can’t believe that I have to pony up $122 million to settle that damn insider trading lawsuit (filed by a lawyer named “Tabacco” by the way, what are the frickin odds of that… any lawyer named tobacco is going to know a thing or two about lawsuits, let me tell you.)

But I have them all fooled, after settling with the lawyers for $22 million (which reminds me, I think I am going to kick my personal lawyer’s ass on general principle), I have 5 years to pay out, ‘er I mean “give” $100 million to some frickin charities. What I am going to do is give $100 million right now to the Ellison Family Trust to bank away for 5 years collecting interest.

You know now that I think about it I better come up with a more charity sounding name than Ellison Family Trust (it’s actually called “ET Holdings”, the ET part just came to me after watching that Spielberg movie… speaking of which I should check in with Stevo to see how my edits to that Lincoln flick are coming along.) Let’s see, maybe “Ellison Grand Global Philantrophic Endeavors” would work, or maybe “Universal Goodness by Larry Ellison”, or perhaps “Larry Ellison Benevolent Fund”. I’m going to have to noodle on that name thing a little more.

After 5 years are up, which if I earn even a measely 9% return on (and I would kick somebodys ass if that’s all I earn because after all I did generate $900 million of return on that stock sale and I only have to pay $122 million in fines… call me frickin brilliant,) I would have an extra $53 million in interest. If I bank the interest and pay out the principle to some charity, like maybe name a building after myself or something, then I’d only be paying out $70 million in fines instead of $122 million. Yeah, that’s why I’m the frickin CEO.

Maffei Quits November 4, 2005

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Goldman Sachs … what are those guys thinking? I hope they aren’t hoping for a piece of the Siebel deal after calling out Maffei’s absence in a report yesterday and blowing the whole issue out in the open by the afternoon. I have been selling those excuses about “scheduling conflicts” and “family issues”, but I actually sent Maffei on a special project last month.

Speaking of Goldman, I think I’m going to give Sherlund a big turd in a brown paper bag for Christmas. That guy has had it out for us ever since we overtook Microsoft in desktop applications and operating systems.

Maffei did have some family issues but I told him to suck it up. I have a sign on my desk, and I gave one to Chucky and Saffer, that says “lunch is for pussies.” I’m considering coming out with an entire line of motivational products for executives, kind of like those posters that show the lion in Africa going on about the antelope and whatever, except my version says “you eat what you kill, it’s that simple.”

I now realize that I should have given some motivational swag to Greggy as well, you know I just can’t get over how inspirational I can be, the power of my will is just awesome.

Truth be told, I’ve wanted to introduce some ancient Japanese accounting practices from the Edo era (circa 1600) which would finally allow us to realize the way of the Samurai (and possibly book more liberal revenues). So I sent Maffei to Japan in early October and the guy comes back almost instantly and tells me that Japan adopted western accounting practices in the 18th century.  He says he can’t find a written record of the old ways. Well, I swore there was a historical archive on the island of Sadogashima in the Sea of Japan. 

The other thing that really bums me out is that I gave my double secret oil company project to Maffei considering he had so much time on his hands what with me, Chucky, and Saffer doing all the worthwhile stuff.

My Memoir October 28, 2005

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As many of you know, my wife (wife #4 to be specific) is a well known author. Melanie writes romance novels and of course I am the inspiration for her work, although I’ve been meaning to talk with her about this one.

I decided that it just wasn’t fair to the world to have my story untold and why should there be just one novelist in the house, right? I have been working on my memoirs, I’m going to keep it kind of light and airy so I’m thinking a 3 volume set covering what I broadly call my “genius years” should do the trick. I’m sure the demand will be great and in time I can start work on a follow up set that focuses on my “Oracle of the industry” period (get it, Oracle!). I also have an outline for my later years when I tackle the role of elder statesman.  

I wrote 3 pages last night and 2 this morning covering how I singlehandedly crafted the strategy and wrote the code for a groundbreaking suite of office productivity applications. The success of this suite, which I named “Office”, resulted in Oracle establishing a dominant position on Intel powered desktops. There also a section in there about how I acquire a hot company up in Redmond and make their CEO, a guy named Bill, carry my bags when I travel.

Melanie suggested I write a children’s book and I said that any book is a children’s book if the kid can read. Covered.

Hot Pluggable October 28, 2005

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I can’t wait to see the numbers for our new ad campaign for fusion. That whole “hot pluggable” thing. I came up with that. Our ad guys originally came in with our pitch and I thought the whole thing reminded me of a complex puzzle. So then I invented the phrase. I think the only thing that could make the ad campaign better is if we had a cover done of the old Foreigner song “Hot Blooded”… I’ll get Maffei on that asap. How could anyone not love something that is both hot and pluggable? 

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